First Impressions

This has happened to me before. I had a completely different plan as far as what I was going to write about this week. Even pulled out my notes and started an outline. But then something pulls me in a completely different direction.

Last night Travis called me to ask if some of his friends could spend the night. The first thing I ask is, “Do I know them?” That is the rule. Travis cannot have a friend spend the night unless I have met them first. I already know the answer. If it was someone I knew he would just say their name right from the get go. Like mom, can I have (name) spend the night?

Travis gives me a name. He tries to convince me that I know this guy. And also the other guy, either a friend of this guy or a brother. I cannot remember now. But I don’t recognize the name. There are so many.

I’ve mentioned before that Travis has a heart of gold. All he has to do is shake hands and exchange names and he has a new friend. It doesn’t matter how many times we have talked to him about friendship. About who qualifies to be a friend.

It doesn’t matter what they look like. Travis does not believe that should matter. Even though I have talked to him on several occasions about only having one chance to make a good first impression. We’ve had this conversation many times. Not only about people he meets, but also about how he presents himself.

Remember when I said that my lectures have titles. I find that this comes in handy. Because once you give the entire lecture a few times, later when you want to remind your kids of those talks, all you have to say is the title.

For instance, when your kids are leaving the house to go out with friends, you call out to them, “Make good choices”! I’ve heard my friends say the exact same thing. You don’t have to remind your daughter of the Dateline episode you watched where the daughter on the program snuck out her window late at night and went to a party. That was almost over, with just a few guys left. That had too much to drink. You think they are your friends. Turns out they are not. And something bad happens. You don’t have to tell her all of that. Because you already told her that story. Twice.

Or when I am taking Travis into a meeting, I remind him to, “Know your audience”. In other words, please try to refrain from swearing. Or oversharing. This talk comes up often after I see one of his Facebook posts. I remind him that his Great Aunt Melanie is on his friends list. Did you really want to share that post with her? And other family members?

It’s true Aunt Melanie. You are the family member I use to measure appropriateness of his posts.

This lecture title is, “First impressions”.

Maybe appearance shouldn’t matter. Good people can fall on hard times. But it certainly is an indicator to me to find out more. Travis takes people at their word. And has learned a lot of hard lessons. Actually let me take that back. He hasn’t learned. He has made the mistake of trusting the wrong individuals again and again. Sometimes the same individual that has hurt him before.

The reason I want to meet the “friends” in his life, is because I am better at reading people. I tell Travis what I am thinking. Yay or nay. But he will argue with me about how I am wrong about the nays. That I do not want him to have any friends.

I’ve said before that Travis has a tribe. These are friends that are mom-approved. If they are over late playing video games or watching a movie I have no problem with them spending the night. A major qualifier on who can stay over? People that have their own bed to sleep in. People that want to spend the night, but do not need to spend the night.

I remind him that he has friends. That there is no one on this planet that loves him more than I do. That as his mom it is my job to make sure that he is safe.

There are so many stories.

I have grocery shopped with Travis, filling his freezer on a Tuesday. And come back on a Thursday and there isn’t any food in his freezer. There aren’t any boxes or wrappers in the trash. Someone actually came in with a backpack and shopped right out of his freezer. When I show Travis and ask him where his food is, he gets very upset. I ask him which “friends” came over on Tuesday night and Wednesday.

It’s hard to talk to Travis about it. He immediately goes to this fragile place. Says things like, “I hate this world”, and “I just want to die”. Because he is hurting. How could someone he is trying to help take from him?

Our goal has always been for Travis to live as independent a life as possible. Because that is his goal. Travis has a team of people that are helping to make that a reality for him. Between me, his nurse, his housekeeper, his therapist, his live-in aide and his neighbors, I think we have the week covered.

Travis has lived on his own for almost seven years. We realized right away that he was going to need more support. So we hired a live-in aide. Offered free rent and utilities. Once Travis was approved for assistance we had to fill out paperwork for his HUD voucher program indicating why Travis needed that level of support. The aide has to fill out paperwork and have a background check. Which is also a requirement of the mobile home park that he lives in.

We are currently on his fifth live-in aide. The first four aides were young men in their twenties. I wanted the aide to feel more like a roommate for Travis. Maybe model some appropriate young man behavior. I wanted them to have their own car. Go to work or even school during the day. In other words, not need something from Travis. None of them lasted very long. For varying reasons. Each one of them broke their contract in some way. Things like no overnight guests. Because that is a habit that we are trying to break Travis of. Be home at night. Protect Travis from being exploited.

The first guy had been a semi-pro hockey player. Travis thought he was cool. Travis was part of each interview. I thought this would be the perfect guy. Big muscular guy with lots of tattoos. Who would take advantage of Travis with this guy answering the door? As it turns out, he didn’t answer the door much. He spent most of his time at a girlfriend’s house. I came over once to find a couple of people in Travis’s kitchen heating up food from his refrigerator. Travis was in his game room playing video games. I knocked on the aide’s door. He was in his bedroom. I asked him who the people were in the kitchen eating Travis’s food. He said he did not know.

One night Travis called me. He was frantic. His cat, Alsoa, had escaped the house. I drove the forty minutes to his house to help him find Alsoa. He and his aide were outside looking. I decided to have another look in the house. I not only found Alsoa in the house, but also a puppy. The puppy was under the bed in the aide’s room. Along with a bag of dog food and other dog items. Alsoa was actually sitting in a chair at the kitchen table. The chair was pushed in under the table. So not obvious. But a good place to look for a missing cat. Our contract clearly states, no pets. He actually asked Travis to keep it a secret from us. Last strike for this guy.

The next guy actually told Travis that Travis had to do what he said. That we hired him because he had a higher IQ than Travis. And that is why Travis needed to listen to him. For real. This was a sad turn of events, because he was the son of a friend. We thought this might be a good fit for both boys. We could help him to get on his feet, with free rent and utilities. He was a CNA. Being a live-in aide for a young man on the autism spectrum would give him some experience. Unfortunately I lost a friend in this deal. But I am betting he never told his mom the IQ story. He told me that he said it in frustration. But it caused Travis to have a significant meltdown. Travis had to stay with us a couple of days while this guy moved out. Because this guy told Travis that he would have a gun with him when he came to get his stuff.

The next guy worked from home. He had recently moved to the area. Turns out what he really needed was a place to stay. He was a friend to Travis, but wasn’t paying much attention to protecting him. Except maybe protecting him from us finding out what was taking place at Travis’s. He was actually allowing a non mom-approved person to stay overnight. With him.

Travis actually recommended guy number four. When we met him he said that he had been living in the park with his mother. He told us that she was battling cancer. That he needed a place to stay close to her to be a caregiver for her, but that he couldn’t live there. He had a job where he came home quite dirty. He needed to be able to clean up before going to see her. She had a bone marrow transplant and had to be careful of germs. The background check came back clean.

But he was not honest with us during the interview. He was trying to kick a drug habit. And was no longer welcome to live with his mother. This guy turned out to be downright scary. He actually was the one bringing home stray people that had nowhere else to go. He even presented the home to one guy as his, and took money from this guy to stay there. Of course that didn’t last, because I showed up and took care of it.

That is why it is so important to have a team. I received calls from various Team Travis members time and time again. To let me know something was off. And that maybe I should show up unexpected. I did stop by often unexpected if I happened to be in town. But also sometimes because I was summoned.

When we were ready to move on from one live-in aide, it would take us several weeks to hire another. It is a hard job. There is not a line of people willing to take it on. It was during one of these times that this one couple showed up. They had moved to Colorado and were homeless. Travis met them at a retail parking lot. Invited them over. I got a call. A van had been parked in front of Travis’s for two nights. Maybe I should stop by.

It was obvious to me that they were already making themselves at home. When I told the young man that they could not stay he got in my face. Yelled at me that I did not even know him. I stood my ground, with him in my personal space, and calmly told him that is why he could not stay. I didn’t know him.

I pulled Travis aside. He defended his new friend. The guy that clearly did not make a good first impression. Travis said that they had fallen on hard times. I tried to reason with Travis. I told him that usually when people fall on hard times they turn to their family. And if for some reason they do not have family, or their family is not able to help them, they turn to friends. But when a person turns to a stranger they met in a parking lot the day before yesterday for a place to stay there is a reason. And it’s not a good one. How far must one go before they burn the bridges of all of their family members and friends?

So they left. And so did I. But after I ran an errand I went back by. A mother’s intuition. They were back. It took awhile for us with this couple. And some help from Tracy. Because as tough as I try to present myself, these individuals just are not afraid of me. But Tracy, well let’s just say that he can get his point across!

But there is one thing about moms. Moms do better research than the FBI. I call it snooping. Tracy calls it stalking. But these days the first thing this generation does is friend each other on Facebook. And most times they have their posts set to public. If I didn’t like this guy before, I definitely didn’t after scrolling down his Facebook posts. He hates police. He had some pretty scary posts on his page. The type you cannot ignore. And the girlfriend. Her page had posts from her mother. Desperate pleas, wondering where her daughter was and if she was ok.

I contacted her. And told her where her daughter was and that she and her boyfriend kept showing up at our son’s door needing a place to stay. I explained our story. She responded that there was a warrant out for the young man’s arrest. And that is why they left the state. Two moms took care of that situation. At least for a while.

Travis met another young man in the parking lot of a local corner convenience store. This guy told Travis a sad story. That he had a daughter that his ex-girlfriend would not allow him to see. Even though he had changed for the better. Another guy that I told Travis did not pass the first impressions test. Travis’s things started to disappear. Pretty much everything that had any value.

One day I stopped by his house. His car was not in his driveway. I went in and he was sleeping on his couch. Which caught me off-guard. Since his car was not there, I did not expect him to be home. I woke him up and asked him where his car was. He immediately started to have a meltdown. And told me that the night before this guy and one of his friend’s talked Travis into driving them to Scottsbluff, Nebraska. Two and a half hours away. And then back home. He said he was exhausted when he got home. But these guys wanted to thank him for the ride. Said they were going to take his car to the gas station and fill it up. And run it through the carwash. Only that was at 8am. And it was now 1pm. I asked him to call the “friend”.

When he answered I said I do not know where you are, but Travis’s car better be back in his driveway in the next fifteen minutes or I was calling the police and reporting it stolen. He said yes ma’am. Only an hour later it was not back. And he was no longer answering his phone. So I called to report it stolen. A sheriff’s deputy came by to take the report. Travis shared his story. The deputy tried calling and the young man picked up. And he had quite the story. The deputy put it on speaker phone.

He said that he and his friend took the car to have breakfast. In Cheyenne, Wyoming. An hour away. Which sounds crazy, right? Since there are plenty of places to have breakfast, within ten minutes of Travis’s house. In Colorado. He said he told his friend that they have to get back. That I was going to report the car as stolen. And that he went to use the bathroom. And when he came back his friend was gone with the car. And that is why he stopped answering. Because his phone was in the car. To which I responded, but you’re talking to us on your phone now.

The deputy seemed amused. So this guy said well I called a friend from Scottsbluff and they came and got me. I said I thought you didn’t have your phone. Apparently he borrowed a phone. And called a friend from Scottsbluff to come get him. After arriving in Scottsbluff, he happened upon Travis’s car in an alley. With the keys on the ground next to it. And his phone still inside. He couldn’t drive it back at that point because there was no gas in it. I asked him how it was possible for all of that to happen if you were in Cheyenne when I called just over an hour ago. I mean it takes at least an hour and a half to get to Scottsbluff from Cheyenne. You just cannot make this stuff up. (See how I used the word stuff, because I know my audience!)

The deputy asked if we wanted to go through with the report. I said yes. The Scottsbluff police had the car impounded. Tracy and I had to drive to go pick it up. The deputy that helped us told us that these two guys were bad news and to keep our son away from them. We’re trying. Everything that Travis had in his car was missing, including his guitar amp. And the car needed new brakes. They must have gone joy-riding.

Ultimately the district attorney would not prosecute the case. Said that Travis would not make a good witness. The guy’s story was that Travis said he and his friend could borrow his car. The district attorney said the other guy had warrants out on him for a long list of other things. Told us not to worry, he would do his time. I was frustrated. Because I believed that auto theft should be added to that long list.

The guy that Travis did know (the one that answered his missing phone) had previously been sleeping on the couch at his mom’s house. Travis told me that his guy had borrowed his laptop to job hunt. And that his guitar was also there because this guy’s stepfather was going to teach Travis to play it better.

I had Travis show me where they lived. I was afraid that the items had already been pawned. As he waited in the car I knocked on the door. And kept on knocking. For like thirty minutes straight. Because I knew they did not have a car. They had been constantly asking Travis for rides. Finally the mom answered. Very angrily. When she asked me what I wanted I calmly told her that I was there to get Travis’s computer and guitar. She said that Travis gave them those items. “Nope”, I replied as I walked in. The stepfather walked over and handed me the guitar.

And then the guy walked up, right to my face. I was surprised he was back. That he had already found a way back from Scottsbluff. He told me to get out of his house. I said that I would get out of his mother’s house when I got what I came for. He walked away and came back with the laptop. And told me to get out of his house. To which I replied that I was happy to leave his mother’s house. Now that I got what I came for. I got back into my car and started shaking. I’m thinking that was from the adrenaline?

I told Travis that now he knew why this guy’s ex-girlfriend would not allow him to see his daughter. And to please trust me.

I could ramble on telling these stories. Because over the course of almost seven years we have experienced several of them. I know what you’re thinking. Maybe you should move him to a nicer neighborhood. It’s not the neighborhood. Travis meets most of these people in town and brings them home. Where he lives now, the neighbors contact me when something is off. If I put him in a nice townhome somewhere, the neighbors would be calling the police.

Or you’re thinking, maybe he shouldn’t live alone. In Colorado an individual that needs supports either qualifies for SLS (Supported Living Services) or Comprehensive Services. Travis qualifies for SLS. Which means he lives in the community with some supports. If his team could make the case that he needs Comprehensive Services, then he would need to live in a host home. And he would need to use his SSI to pay room and board. Leaving him a small amount for spending.

Meaning that he couldn’t afford his car. Because there would not be enough money for gas or insurance. He would need to live in a host home where he would need to ask permission to go somewhere. And be told what time to be home by. He would lose a great deal of his independence.

Travis has told me that he would rather live on the street.

Currently we are on live-in aide number five. She is everything I did not want in an aide. Starting with she is a she. I simply did not believe that a woman would be able to handle the chaos surrounding Travis. She does not own a car or have a job. A couple of the other qualifications I was looking for. Travis suggested her. The last person he suggested did not go well. I told him no on several occasions. Then one day he said, “Mom, I know I give her rides to the doctor and grocery store. But why can’t we take care of each other? She keeps the house locked up tight. And I give her rides to her appointments.”

I agreed to give it a shot. And to be honest, she is tougher than any of the guys that came before her. She does tell everyone to clear out when it gets late. And locks the house up tight. Because she lives there too. She is just the right amount of tough and nurturing. And she and Travis definitely have their moments. But they get through them. She has lived there for well over a year.

Last night I texted her to make sure she was aware that I said Travis could not have these “friends” spend the night. Because I did not know them. And I found out that they had already spent one night. She said they couldn’t call and ask the night before, because it was 11:00pm and they did not want to wake me. First, Travis calls me past my no calls after 9pm limit regularly for way less important things. Like needing some money for cigarettes. And second, there is no need to call. Because the answer is always no, if I have not met the “friends”. Deep sigh.

The worry never goes away. At least in our case. What you worry about just changes. I no longer worry about him making it through the school day. Showing aggression to others. Now I just worry about him making through the day. That others do not hurt him.

I have a friend that tells me she never has to worry. That I worry enough for everyone. Well now you have a better idea why.

That was supposed to be the end of my writing today. But I have to tell you this story.

Travis just called me. He is sad about a friend that is moving to another state. Which brings up another friend that moved away. And why can’t he drive to South Dakota to see him. I told him that it is a great goal to have. To one day drive himself to another state. But that he currently isn’t ready. He asks why. I said it is one thing calling us because you need us when we are forty minutes away. It would be a totally different thing and much harder for us to help you through a situation when you are that far away. He wants to know how I know he would call. Because Travis, it’s only 2:38pm and I think you have already reached your, “Nine Calls a Day” for today. If you’ve been following you know what that means.

He’s supposed to be meeting with his supported employment person. But he is on a cigarette break when he calls me. He tells me wait, hang on, I’m going to check. No mom, this is only call number eight. We both start laughing. Because we both know if he is already at eight calls, he’s going to go over nine today for sure.

Hang on, he’s calling again. I’m totally serious. I answered the phone with one word. “Nine.” We both start laughing again. I could tell you more about this phone call. But that’s a story for another day.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou