Strong Enough to Carry Him

The candy bar I just ate said three servings on the back. Well, whoever decided that did not have a week like the one I am having. Plus, I didn’t get to the caramel until I was past the one-third mark! (Thank you to my friend for the birthday gift. You know who you are! Looks like the diet is not starting on this particular Monday!!)

I want to keep my end of the promise I made to Travis. That I will leave no stone unturned. But sometimes I am scraping rock bottom of my energy/will/caregiver bucket.

Visiting our cabin is bucket-filling for me. We were unable to go for several weeks because of the raging wildfire that burned way too close for comfort. We did get up there to clean out the refrigerator and freezer. The cabin was without power for several days. We brought our side-by-side ATV home. We need it at the house to plow the snow from our driveway. We are excited to have the snow! The forest area around the cabin is closed. It’s too early to snowmobile.

It is no longer safe to see my CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) kiddo in person. Covid-19 spread within her school and our county. The hospitals in our area are at capacity. Mentoring my CASA kiddos fills my bucket. I can video chat with her, but it is not the same as seeing her in person.

In these times I cannot even partake in retail therapy! Online shopping just doesn’t do it for me.

When I am emotionally exhausted and feeling depleted it is extremely difficult to bring my “A” game when caregiving. Travis’s mental illness is ongoing. He struggles on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. He is stuck in a serious valley right now. Although I am not sure there is ever really a peak.

A big part of that is because he picks up on the emotions of others. He cannot read body language, but he does absorb what others are feeling. I am certain that he is picking up negative vibes from the world right now. Me being off kilter is feeding into his instability. I’ve talked about this before. I feel like I need to be a “Stepford” mother. (This will only make sense if you have seen the movie, “Stepford Wives”.)

Travis is in emotional pain. Every day. He takes it out on the people that are closest to him. Most days I understand this. I put on my thick-skin coat and tell myself that it is his mental illness talking. Most days I am able to not engage. To not take it personal.

But some days. Some days I am human. When Travis is stuck in a valley for too many days in a row, and I get the brunt of his behaviors, I lose it. That never goes over well.

Our family does everything we know to do to lift him up. Mental illness is a fierce opponent. No amount of love we give can undo the pain this opponent inflicts. I feel like I am treading water, and trying to hold Travis afloat. He is unable to help. He is heavy. I am tired. There is no relief in sight.

Sometimes outside factors make our job even harder. There are some people in his life that have an opinion. An opinion they formed without all the facts. It could be a neighbor. A “so-called” friend. A family member. A person from his biological family, that hardly knows us, or him.

One of these people will tell Travis that he is capable of all things. That we are holding him back. These people must believe that they are smarter than all the specialists, therapists, psychiatrists and doctors. I can tell when Travis has encountered one of these people. He calls me and says things that I know he is repeating from someone else.

I counter with facts. I know the facts. I live the facts. He will tell me that I am holding him back. That I do not want him to amount to anything. I will calmly reply, “Is that why you have a driver’s license? No one else in your tribe drives. When you were nervous about driving, I said you got this. It may take longer to get your confidence and license, but your dad and I will help you.” And we did.

He says that I want to control him. So I say, “Is that why you’re living on your own? Don’t you think if I wanted control, you would be living in my house?”

He tells me that he wants to leave Colorado. I tell him that leaving Colorado doesn’t mean you will no longer have problems. Problems have a way of going along for the ride. Plus, there are jerks everywhere. (Jerks is the blog version of the word I really use.)

There are people out there that will have him believe that the grass is greener on the other side. He once wanted to move with an acquaintance to live in a van on a beach in California.

Recently one person told him if you live here, you can have a dog. Travis is certain that having a dog is the answer to all of his pain. Even though his pain is not eased by having a cat or a bird.

It is hard being the person that he has leaned on so much all of these years, and yet he is so easily persuaded by someone he hardly knows. Clearly he knows we are his family and we are in it for the long haul. It hurts me when he recites these ideas that others put in his mind. Our family has always done what is in Travis’s best interest. Our goal has always been to help him become as independent as possible.

Travis is unable to make sound decisions. That is why me, Tracy and our daughter Corey, are his co-legal guardians. I tell him again and again why it doesn’t make sense to leave your home, your family and all of your supports, over owning a particular dog.

This dog was offered to him a couple of years ago as a puppy. This person did not touch base with me first. She sent him pictures of this adorable puppy. Unfortunately, the dog is a pit bull. Travis lives in a mobile home community that does not allow pit bulls. I do not have a strong feeling one way or the other about pit bulls. I do not know much about them. What I do know is that his lease specifically excludes a few breeds of dogs, and pit bulls are on the list.

That is part of the reason it might have been nice of her to talk to me. Besides the fact that Travis doesn’t have a fenced-in yard. I want Travis to have a dog someday. A smaller dog that does not need a lot of open space. I tell Travis that dogs are way harder to care for than cats. His cat is an indoor cat and has a self-feeder. Travis struggles taking care of himself. The community he lives in doesn’t allow fences. Or dogs on chains. Travis promises he will walk a dog daily.

I have wavered on the dog conversation. But then Travis says he wants this particular dog and he wants it to be trained to be a therapy dog.

So the answer is no. We are not moving the mobile home to another park. Besides, other parks probably have similar dog breed rules. No, we are not buying a plot of land to move the mobile home to.

Travis response? “You are holding me back and you don’t want me to be happy.”

Travis calls me on average nine times a day. For several days in a row, every time he called, he wanted to know why I didn’t want him to be happy. I told him again and again that he couldn’t have that dog in his current home. Each time he told me if I didn’t allow the dog he was leaving.

Eventually I said ok. I guess you’re leaving.

To which he says, “You want me to leave? I thought you loved me!”

Breathe. Just breathe.

I have been told to let him go and suffer the natural consequences. That is easier said than done. How does one learn from natural consequences when they do not understand cause and effect?

If Travis were to leave Colorado, he would lose the supports he has in place. The Colorado waiver that pays for his supported employment and offers him homemaker and community services has a ten year waiting list. As his legal guardians, we have to notify the court before he can leave the state. His HUD voucher could follow him, but who is going to help him find a place and a landlord that accepts it?

I’m not leaving Colorado.

And finally, he struggles coping with his mental illness with his family and supports surrounding him. If he leaves Colorado, how do I protect my boy from this fierce opponent? I may not be able to protect him from each wound mental illness inflicts, but I am here to kiss the hurt and apply the band-aid.

Travis is not good about showing his appreciation. But he did tell me once that my love is the reason he is still alive. Maybe he is not that heavy after all. And besides, I am pretty good at treading water.

“Don’t pray for lighter burdens, pray for a stronger back.” - Author Unknown

“The road is long, with many a winding turn. That leads us to who knows where, who knows where. But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him, he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. So on we go, his welfare is of my concern. No burden is he to bear. We’ll get there. For I know, he would not encumber me, he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. If I’m laden at all, I’m laden with sadness, that everyone’s heart isn’t filled with gladness, or love for one another. It’s a long, long road from which there is no return. While we’re on the way to there, why not share? And the load doesn’t weigh me down at all, he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.” - Sung by the Hollies

(This is one of my all-time favorite songs. Give it a listen.)