Trusting My Instincts

One day Travis and I were sitting at one of our favorite burger joints waiting to order. Our server was very friendly and talkative. Travis was wearing a Pokemon T-shirt. They began to exchange stories about their favorite Pokemon characters.

I know a bit about autism, through experience. I believed that our server may be on the spectrum. I remember thinking that I was proud of this restaurant for their hiring diversity. Travis asked him if he liked working there. He did. Travis shared that he was currently looking for a job. The server said that the restaurant may be hiring, let him go get his manager.

He took off to the back room before I had a chance to say no. There were a lot of reasons I was thinking no. Starting with Travis wasn’t properly dressed for a first impression. The restaurant was also about forty minutes away from Travis’s home. And it was a restaurant.

Oftentimes when we eat out, Travis will order and then go wait outside. This began years ago. Restaurants were just too loud with too much activity. Travis would become over-stimulated. Early on Tracy or I would go outside and get him when our food arrived. Once he got his own cell phone we would just text him.

The manager came to our table and greeted us with an application in hand. He and Travis also had a conversation about Pokemon. I have to handle these type of situations with great care. Travis is looking for a job. He thinks he is capable of performing any job. I have to support him in so many ways every single day. I want him to speak for himself. If I say the wrong thing he may get angry. In this moment he is sounding motivated.

I think to myself maybe he can work at a restaurant in small increments of time. He had a pretty successful stint at Spirit Halloween just four months before. Travis shares with the manager that he is going to have me fill out the application because it will be faster and neater. The manager hands me the application and a pen. And with that Travis was applying for a position at a restaurant.

I shared with the manager that Travis is working with a supported employment provider that serves as his job coach. He gave me his business card and told me to have the job coach call him. I called her later that day and shared with her that I thought I had accidentally helped Travis find a job in a restaurant. A few days later Travis and his job coach went in for an interview and Travis was offered a position doing dishes in the kitchen.

In the moment he was excited. I immediately thought, uh-oh. Travis does not even do his own dishes. He is capable physically of washing a dish. And don’t think we haven’t tried teaching him about chores when he lived at home. I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is about his mental illness and other diagnoses. Motivation?

When we first set him up in his own place we tried to teach him about the pride of having his own place. When I would come to visit his house was a mess. He would also have friends over that would leave their dishes or take-out trash on the floor. I brought it up while I was there. I began to pick things up and clean. I asked him to help me. It almost always resulted in an argument and then a meltdown.

Eventually I would automatically begin to clean when I got to his place. Think what you will, but have you ever seen the show called “Hoarders”? It is not a show that I watch regularly. But there has been two or three occasions when I was channel surfing that I came upon that show. And I couldn’t turn away. I was shocked by what I saw. I was shocked when the family members would say on camera that they had no idea their loved one’s home had come to this. I always thought to myself, how could you not know?

Travis wants to keep everything. He has an idea of what he is going to make out of each and every item. I believe that if I did not keep his place up his home would look like one of the homes from the show. Not only did I not want that for him, I also wanted to protect our investment in the home itself.

When Team Travis found that I was spending a good amount of our together time cleaning his home, they put an end to that. They added housecleaning services to his plan. They believed that adding cleaning to everything else I did to support Travis was adding too much stress to my life. They knew that we were already spending a fair amount of time running his errands and attending his doctor appointments. They told us to use the time to do fun stuff together. Hence, the having a burger together!

Maybe he will do dishes if he is getting paid to do dishes? I had my doubts but I kept them to myself. And Tracy. I find myself constantly second guessing decisions. It’s complicated. I want to give him a chance to succeed. But failures take a toll on him. I want to trust my instincts, but in order for Travis to continue to collect his SSI we have to be able to prove that he is trying to get well enough to work. Or find an acceptable job that he can work in his current medical condition. But at what cost?

Also, if I say no to him trying this position, his not being employed is all my fault. He would have been able to do the job , but I didn’t give him the chance. See what I mean? Again, it’s complicated.

We went to the store and got him the appropriate restaurant kitchen footwear. Travis worked at the restaurant for less than a month. He couldn’t keep up when it was busy. He needed more breaks than a restaurant is accustomed to giving their employees. He was required to clean during downtimes. He spent the time visiting with other employees. He had different and better ideas of how the kitchen should be run and insisted on doing things the way he thought they should be done.

Ultimately Team Travis and the restaurant agreed that this position was not a good fit for him. The management having to constantly get after or redirect him was affecting his mental well-being. Turns out I need to get better at trusting my instincts.

“Told you so. Sincerely, Your Intuition” - Author Unknown