Setting Boundaries

Our plan all along has always been for Travis to become as independent as possible. As he progressed through the teenage years he, like all teenagers, was excited to get his driver’s license.

It had never occurred to us that he wouldn’t. Because we still believed that we were going to find that key I keep talking about. The one that unlocks his potential. His abilities.

So like any good parent, I researched what it would take for Travis to reach this goal. It had been seven years since we went through the process with Corey. Although I never had any doubt that Travis would earn his driver’s license, I knew the path would be different than we had experienced with Corey.

In the state of Colorado, you can obtain your driver’s permit before you turn sixteen. But to do that you have to complete a thirty hour education course. We knew Travis would have great difficulty sitting through this course. And difficulty focusing. And that the schools that offer these courses were unlikely to modify the course to address Travis’s needs.

We also knew that Travis would try to fit in with the other teens. And that most teens are self-absorbed and unlikely to take the time or have the patience necessary to include him in their conversations. Their study groups.

And there was that time. The time when Tracy took Travis to a Division of Wildlife meeting about hunting blue grouse with him. At the end the speaker asked if anyone had any questions. And of course Travis’s arm shot right up. Which in and of itself was something, because oftentimes he would just speak out without raising his hand. The speaker pointed at Travis and Travis asked, “Do you have a dog?”

What if the instructor asked the students if they had any questions?

We waited until Travis turned sixteen to get his permit. In Colorado, if you get your permit after you turn sixteen, you do not have to take the thirty hour course. It is a requirement that you complete and log fifty hours of supervised driving, with ten of those hours being nighttime driving.

They actually have an app nowadays. The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) states that the app, “improves teen driver safety by providing parents with a methodical approach to teaching the requisite driving skills”. And it logs your drives.

Travis had quite a bit of experience riding motorcycles. He was about ten when we got him a Honda 80cc. As he got older and bigger he moved up to a Yamaha 125cc and then a 250cc. He just had a knack for figuring out and changing gears. When we go out atv-ing, Travis always rides his dirt bike. So that if he crashes he does not end up under an atv.

Travis is not licensed to drive a road motorcycle. Only because I know emergency medical staff call them donor cycles. But I believe that his dirt bike experience may have been helpful as far as navigating roads and staying focused.

Travis got a fair amount of driving training while with us at our farm in Kansas. Long before he was old enough to get a permit. He would drive Tracy’s pick-up on the farm ground and roads. He practiced with one of his aunts in Kansas as well.

Travis had his permit for a full two years. He logged in several more hours practicing with us than required. Because we needed to know that he was going to able to maintain his focus while driving. That not only would he and his future passengers be safe, but other drivers would be safe as well.

Autism is funny that way. That individuals on the spectrum can focus on some things and not others. And for him one thing he can focus on is driving. He even corrects me. “Mom, don’t cross over that lane when you turn, you have to get in the closest lane and then use your blinker to move over.” (Be honest, tell me you don’t do the same thing. Unless you see a police officer at the light!)

He does get mad at other drivers when they cut over in front of him. But I think he is past the stage of calling the police to report a reckless driver. (For real.)

If you have been following our story, you already know that The Joshua School staff studied the driver’s handbook with Travis during the school day. Travis also practiced flash cards of the different road signs.

Two weeks after Travis turned eighteen I took Travis to take his written and driving test. He did not have any issues during the driving test. They allowed Travis to take the written test orally. He passed with flying colors.

I was there each step of the paperwork process to help him. When it was time for Travis to take his picture they asked me to move away from the counter and stand behind the photographer’s sheet. When I went back to the counter I had to shake my head. The DMV employee had already had Travis sign his license. Apparently without any input. (See the below picture!)

This was his license until he turned twenty-one!

Colorado has a Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) law designed to ensure that our most at-risk drivers are given the right level of training before being given unrestricted driving privileges. Per the Colorado DMV website, “Teen traffic deaths are down 67% since GDL laws went into effect in 2005.

The first six months a newly licensed driver cannot have any passengers under the age of twenty-one unless a parent or other licensed adult driver is in the vehicle. The following six months a newly licensed driver can only have one passenger under the age of twenty-one unless the passengers are siblings.

Colorado has a curfew for the first year as a licensed driver. No driving between midnight and 5am unless accompanied by a parent. Exceptions include driving from school or work, or in medical emergencies.

Even though Travis did not get his driver’s license until after he turned eighteen, we held him to these rules. Travis slowly eased into driving. In the beginning he would only drive a few blocks on his own. We lived in a small town. He would drive himself a few blocks to his Tae Kwon Do class.

At first he didn’t want to drive alone at night. Or in the rain. Or snow. But little by little he got more and more comfortable. In the beginning he stayed in our small town. But now he drives in a much larger city. These days I have to tell him when it is not a good day to drive.

Travis was almost nineteen when he graduated from Humanex Academy. He followed that with a year of our local school district’s 18-21 transition program for individuals on an Individual Education Plan (IEP). So he drove himself to class. Which was nice because I didn’t have to take him, but this did create an issue when he had enough of school for the day. More on that in another blog.

I did not realize what a big accomplishment it was for Travis to earn his driver’s license at the time. But I realize now that he is living on his own, it really is an accomplishment. Travis has a tribe of people with varying levels of learning disabilities and mental health issues. He is the only person in his tribe that has a driver’s license.

Being able to drive himself to his appointments is very important to him. To be able to come and go on a whim. But this creates a couple of problems for him as well.

Owning a car comes with expenses. Like gas. Or maintenance. Car insurance in those early years of driving can be expensive. Travis struggles with understanding why his friends may have money to go out to eat and he doesn’t.

But even harder yet, his friends constantly want a ride somewhere. And I think at first they understood it was a favor and they asked nicely. But some of his friends have grown to expect a ride somewhere. And Travis gets frustrated because some of these friends have money to eat out together, but are broke when it comes to putting gas in his tank.

I understand his frustration. I once caught one of my employees on her break looking through the yellow pages for a payday loan company. (This was a long time ago! Do people even have a phonebook anymore?) I explained to her that the amount of interest those companies charge is ridiculous. So I offered to give her an advance on her paycheck.

She was grateful at first. Then she asked again and again. Then she stopped asking and just told me that she needed an advance. I felt really great about helping her in the beginning. But then it became an expectation. And I grew resentful.

I believe that helping others get to doctor appointments or jobs makes him feel good. But now he has issues with some friends that have expectations. I need a ride to this appointment, oh and wait here until I get out. Or they tell him that he is not doing anything important anyway.

I reassure him that the decision to give rides is completely up to him. He does not need an excuse. It’s about setting boundaries. Which is really hard for him. I can respect if he knows that he is not in a good place to go into town or be around his friends. Now we just need them to.

“You have to learn to say no without feeling guilty. Setting boundaries is healthy. You need to learn to respect and take care of yourself.” - Author Unknown