A Safe Place to Be
Planning a family event or vacation is difficult. We have always had to consider how our plans might affect Travis. Travis does better following his routine. Many things can send him into sensory overload. How many people will be there? Will there be a lot of noise? Sensory overload causes meltdowns.
In the past I’ve said that a meltdown is a tantrum to the 10th degree. Meaning that it is bigger and uglier. They are actually quite different. A tantrum is goal oriented. A tantrum is a result of frustration from not getting what is wanted.
An autistic meltdown is about being overstimulated or overwhelmed. Per Maureen Bennie in her blog located at www.autismawarenesscentre.com, “For someone with autism, when they reach the point of sensory, emotional, and information overload, or even just too much unpredictability, it can trigger a variety of external behaviors. A person with autism has no control over their meltdowns, and will not benefit from the normal measures to reduce tantrums like distraction, hugs, incentives to behave, or any form of discipline.”
Travis does better in smaller groups. With people that know him and accept him, quirks and all. People that take the time to learn about his interests. One of Travis’s favorite pastimes is making videos on his phone. He loves to share video after video. If he can find someone to show them to, it makes him happy. Or he wants to share his music. His life revolves around his technology. When he is away from home, his phone is his only way to get his technology fix.
Keep in mind, technology is easier to get along with than people for him.
Family gatherings can be hard. Especially celebration events such as weddings. Travis is part of our family. So we want him to attend family gatherings and celebrations with us. We have always had to make a plan that revolved around how to handle any situation that may arise. Such as reserving a motel room in lieu of staying with family. So that we have a place to retreat to when Travis becomes overstimulated.
Ideally a motel room with a pool. Being submerged in water soothes Travis.
I have become an expert on reading Travis. Because I have watched him so closely for years.
I have never been able to just relax and visit at these functions. I am watching Travis. I can tell when he is getting overstimulated and I intervene. Remove him from situations before they become meltdowns. I am sensitive to the fact that gatherings such as a weddings should not include a meltdown in memories of others.
It is important to address signs of overstimulation before a meltdown occurs. A meltdown will continue until energy is spent. There is no stopping a meltdown while it is in progress.
There were times when Travis was a child that I could see him teetering on the edge of losing control. I wouldn’t leave the house until he had his meltdown and expended his energy. I likened it at the time to a teapot whistling. Once he let loose of all of his steam, he was good to go.
At family events, Travis comes to me with every issue that arises. When he was younger an issue would be as simple as the other kids not wanting to play the game he wanted to play. Or by his rules for the game.
As he got older his issues became more relationship based. He is easily slighted. Once someone has said or done something that hurt him, intentional or not, Travis has great difficulty letting it go. Ever.
All he really wants is to have a relationship with others. It’s just that he is not very good at it. For all the reasons that I have written about in the past, including these autism traits:
Lack of social skills
Limited ability to have a reciprocal conversation
Intense interest in particular subjects
Cannot read body language
Make comments that are true but potentially embarrassing
Dominates social interaction
Difficulty not interrupting
I have had people tell me that I am enabling him by tending to his every need at these events. Just to be clear, that is not what I am doing. What I am doing is making sure that your event doesn’t include a meltdown. That is uncomfortable for everyone.
And it makes him feel horrible later. So bad that he doesn’t want to attend events. He wants to isolate himself from others. Which is not good for him and his mental health. He craves social interaction. He cannot control having meltdowns.
If you see me fixing his plate of food and you are thinking, “he should do that, he is totally capable. All he is doing is watching a video on his phone.” What is really happening is this, Travis is using his phone to calm himself. Because he is overwhelmed by the amount of people in attendance.
Bennie states, “It may be possible to start a calming routine before total meltdown if you are aware of the symptoms of escalation. If you understand what triggers your child, you may be able to stop a meltdown before it happens.”
When I see Travis begin to get overstimulated, sometimes all I need to do is remove him from the situation for a few minutes to give him a chance to decompress. One way that Travis loves to decompress is by listening to his music, or by video taping a rap that he makes up as he goes. The rap song can be hard to listen to because he sings about what is bothering him in “rap like” language. His songs are very direct and may be about at an individual that in some way did him wrong. It’s about what he is feeling, and so is from his perspective.
Sometimes it is just enough to get it out. We are working on the idea that the individual that wronged him does not need to hear the actual rap song.
A couple of weeks ago we put a plan in place to spend Father’s Day at the cabin. The plan was that Travis would come to our house on Friday afternoon and ride with us to the cabin. Grandpa Dave and a friend were going to bring his camper and park it at the cabin. Corey, Matt and our two grandboys would meet us there on Saturday morning.
We have some good friends that have a cabin in the same neighborhood. Their kids and grandkids were planning to visit them for Father’s Day as well. The plan was to all (eighteen of us) ATV ride and have a picnic lunch during the day Saturday. And then come to a milk can dinner at our cabin Saturday evening. If you don’t know what a milk can dinner is you have to google it. It’s a great way to feed a lot of people and it’s scrumptious too!
Planning these gatherings gives me anxiety. All of this activity creates unpredictability. How is my boy going to be able to handle all the moving parts of a non-routine day. And if he does have a meltdown, how is everyone going to react? What can I do ahead of time, during the planning stages, to make Travis’s day smoother for him?
Travis wavered back and forth about whether he would attend. He believes that we would have more fun if he didn’t come. I actually like when he spends time with us. In addition to that, it is the only time that I am not worried about him. He is right here, safe with me.
We do not have cell service at the cabin. Or wi-fi. When we are at the cabin, Travis is unable to reach me. If you have read my blog titled, “Nine Times a Day”, then you know that Travis reaches out for support on average, nine times a day. Sometimes he has a need or a question. I think that sometimes he just needs to know that we are there.
Many times when Tracy and I are coming home from the cabin my phone starts pinging as soon as we hit our service area. Texts and voicemails. I know that there is no point in worrying. I do anyway.
Not having cell service and wi-fi at the cabin is another reason that Travis does not want to go to the cabin with us. He needs his technology. Part of the reason we love going is because we need our break from technology.
As part of the Father’s day weekend planning process, I decided to pack a bag for Travis while I was at his house earlier in the week. He would have great difficulty packing clothes for a weekend without support. Making sure that he had what he needed would alleviate issues. Otherwise he would perseverate about a forgotten item that he might deem necessary. I also packed his medication.
Tracy worked on his motorcycle during the week. When we go ATVing, Travis rides his motorcycle. It had been a very long time since Travis had driven his motorcycle. It is a trail bike, not a street bike. His motorcycle has always been temperamental. Tracy drained the gas and put fresh gas in it. We brought some fuel additive and starter fluid.
I made sure that his car had plenty of gas to get to our house. I told him to arrive at our house an hour before we actually wanted to leave. So that when (yes, not if, but when) he was late, it didn’t matter. It’s important that I am calm if I want him to be calm.
Each time Travis mentioned not coming, we told him it was completely up to him. That we hoped he decided to come, but were okay if he decided not to. He did decide to come.
When he arrived, he brought a plastic bag into the house with a gaming device and some cords. About halfway to the cabin Travis asked me if I grabbed the plastic bag. I didn’t.
He was upset. When I shared that we did not have wi-fi for the gaming device he said that he had a saved game on the device. I shared with him that we had so much fun stuff planned that I hoped he wouldn’t even miss it. His phone charging cord was in the bag. I told him that I had a charger at the cabin. His vape charge cord was in the bag. A micro USB cord. I told him we needed to stop at a gas station with a store. We would check if they had one. They did. Crisis averted.
On Saturday his motorcycle was indeed being temperamental. Tracy got it started and told Travis to take if for a ride to warm it up. Travis crashed and bent his eyeglasses frame. Both lens popped out. At that point he “was done”. He was not going on the ride. Within minutes that changed to, “there is no way I am riding the motorcycle today. We rearranged our seating so that he could ride on the backseat of the Rhino, (side by side) ATV with one of his nephews.
And just like that, even though his glasses were a mess, and he couldn’t ride his motorcycle, he went with us. There was not a meltdown. His non-routine day was not going as planned, and he was able to self-regulate.
We stopped and had a picnic lunch. At one of our breaks along the way he traded places with Matt. He drove our ATV with his sister on the back. He navigated some tough terrain like a pro. He even asked Corey, “would you like to take the scary path or the less scary path”? He listened and obliged when she said she preferred the “less scary” path.
At dinner we had a large circle of chairs and a group of eighteen. (In Wyoming you can have a group of fifty or less during this phase of Covid-19.) Travis had his phone hooked to a speaker and was playing his music. Loudly. After he played a few of his songs, there was a comment or two about anime music. It was not popular with the group.
I could see Travis begin to unravel a bit. I mentioned to the group how important his music was to him and that one of his dreams was to be a disc jockey. The group caught on and began to ask him questions about music. What is your all time favorite rock song? Country song? Travis began to play music that was more enjoyable for the entire group. And when his battery died he was okay with someone else playing music from their phone.
Travis had a great weekend. Not a single meltdown. He did not pull me aside several times because he was struggling and needed support. Which gave me the opportunity to relax and enjoy everyone.
It did not boil down to just one thing. There was a multitude of factors that played into it. We were able to address the cord issues in the bag left at our house. He took a deep breath and trusted me about not needing the gaming device for a weekend.
When he crashed his bike and was on the brink of a meltdown the family didn’t engage. Options were offered and it was up to him to take one or leave it. We stayed busy getting things together to give him some time. He was able to self-regulate and come along.
He adores his nephews and they were there. More about that in an upcoming blog!
I think being in the mountains in nature played a part. Nature is good for one’s soul.
Travis has also been practicing, working at not getting to the meltdown stage. Because he knows that once he gets there it is not a good place to be.
I also think a great deal of his success was that he was surrounded with people that love him and let him be himself. Our good friends that have a neighboring cabin and their family, are family to us. They know our story. They offer support when needed. There is not any judgement or intolerance. And that is a safe place to be.
“This is a safe space. A place where you can show up as you, lean into your whole self, and just be present. (to all of it.) This is a space where you can: Dance. Be Silly. Open your heart to another. Speak the poetry inside you. Listen with every cell and then be listened to. Hold grief in one hand and joy in the other. Cry. Rest. Laugh loudly. Tell the truth. This is a safe space to feel (all of it) and to trust, you are not alone. - Liz Lamoreux