One Day at a Time

Mental illness is a fierce opponent. I have to be honest. I don’t know much about what it feels like. But I can certainly see what it looks like. And it is hard to watch.

Travis has been in the care of a psychiatrist since he was a young child. Early on he started saying things like, “I wish I was never been born. I hate my life”. His comments progressed to, “I wish I were dead”. And from there he began to talk about dying by suicide.

As a parent, it is extremely difficult to hear your child say these words. And even harder to see their pain. Travis has been in talk therapy for most of his life. He has tried many natural supplements and many pharmaceutical prescriptions. The best we have been able to do for him is to take a bit of the edge off.

I cannot tell you how many times I have arrived at his place in the middle of the day and his home was still locked up tight with the outside light still on. I let myself in and immediately go to his room to check on him. He is still in bed, I check him to make sure he is breathing.

When you have a child with a chronic mental illness all the worst case scenarios run through your mind. At least they do for me. I know worrying about what may happen tomorrow takes away today’s joy. But my boy talks about it. Too much. So that him dying by suicide is never far from my mind.

We have done all that we know to do. We have even taken him to the hospital emergency room. More than once. When the hospital staff find that he is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist they tell us to take him home. The hospital cannot provide any more help. Unless he has a specific plan. Or he has already made an attempt. I ask the hospital staff, “What if he gets it right the first time”?

It is impossible for me to understand what he is feeling. I have said everything that I know to say. It turns out his mental illness is not a temporary problem. I have also shared with him another saying I came across, “Dying by suicide does not end the pain. It just passes it on to others”.

Travis responds, “It will end MY pain. Any my pain is greater than what you would feel if I died”. Wow. He is clearly hurting. A great deal.

How do I convince Travis that his life is worth living? That we may still find the right stone and “unturn” it. What if in the future a doctor finds some sort of remedy.

On one of Travis’s rougher days he told me that he just wanted to end it all. But that he just couldn’t do that to his nephews.

I cannot tell you how much my heart soared. There are two boys in his life that make his life worth living. Even if for now, it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt them.

Travis loves those boys. And they adore him. As I look through our pictures, I see a happy version of Travis when he is with them. He plays with them at their level. He helps them with their Lego kits. He teaches them how to do a yo-yo trick. He loves to make them laugh.

I appreciate every day he is here on this earth. I suppose we will just continue to take each day as it comes. One day at a time.

Our lives are made up of a million moments, spent in a million different ways. Some are spent looking for love, peace and harmony. Others are spent surviving day to day. But there is no greater moment than when we find that life, with all its joys and sorrows, is meant to be lived one day at a time.” - Author Unknown