Meant To Be — No Stone Left Unturned

Most of you that are currently following my blog are friends and family that know our story. But I have received comments from some of you asking for more background.

Due to some pretty major complications after a C-Section during the birth of Corey I was unable to have another child. We tried many different infertility treatments including IVF with no success.

We decided to look into adoption. We met with a local agency and completed a class with several other couples. During the class we learned about open adoption and the possibility of a “change of heart”. The agency prepared us for that possibility, that sometimes birth mothers decide to keep their baby. But they also told us that adoptive couples could change their minds as well.

For any reason. Maybe they wanted a boy, not a girl. I found it hard to believe that an adoptive couple would change their mind after the birth of a child that they had planned to adopt. There is no guarantee that if we gave birth to a child ourselves that the baby would be perfect in every way. Except every baby is perfect. Right? But “change of heart happens”. Each family has to make the decision that is right for them.

Our picture and bio were placed in a book at the agency that was available for birth mothers that were considering adoption to look through. We were nervous about our bios. Especially me. I didn’t have the greatest childhood. Would the birth mother hold that against me?

And nervous about our picture. The picture had to be just right. So that the birth mother would open our book. We had a friend that had professional equipment come take our picture. We posed in front of our fireplace. Tracy and I, Corey and Rowdie dog. The perfect family to adopt your child. But the picture came back and we all had red eyes! Oh no!

So our friend came back. And took the perfect picture of our family outside.

Later the adoption agency told us that it was likely that we would have to wait quite some time to be chosen. That the other couples in our class, as well as the many other couples already in the book, would be more appealing to a birth mother.

Because we already had a child. And the birth mothers may feel more compassion for the childless couple. Or they may want their baby to be an only child.

And you’re telling us that now? After we paid your fee? After we completed the classes and the counseling?

They told us that our best hope of adopting was to find a birth mother on our own. We were counseled to tell everyone we knew that we were hoping to adopt a child.

And so we did. And it worked. Stay with me here. It’s a six degrees of separation story.

We were at Tracy’s company picnic. Many of the couples there were pregnant or had infants or toddlers. I shared with a group of women that we were looking to adopt. One of Tracy’s coworkers had a good friend that was also looking to adopt. She had just said no to an opportunity that was not a good fit for her family.

This coworker’s friend worked with a woman who had a sister that was pregnant and looking for an adoptive couple. (Did you have to read that twice? I did and I know the story!)

Long story short. The pregnant woman looking for an adoptive couple was Travis’s birth mother. And within nine months of getting in the agency book Travis was placed in my arms.

Now that I think about it, I realize it is important to share that we adopted Travis. Because it plays into many of our experiences.

Like when a social worker advised us when we reached out for services and things were difficult to give up our rights. Give him up. After all, he was only adopted. As if we loved him less because we adopted him.

She told me that children like Travis would take a toll on our family. And that his care could bankrupt us.

I shared with her that Travis was not a puppy that I could just return to the humane society because he misbehaved. (I wouldn’t do that either by the way.)

And that we would sell our home if necessary, to have the funds to meet his needs, and to keep our family together. (Insurance did not cover any of the “No Stone Left Unturned” treatments.)

And I asked her what kind of message would I be sending my daughter if “when the going gets tough…” Would she worry that we would give up on her too?

None of that happened. We are a strong family, and to this day we refuse to give up on helping Travis to live the best version of his life.

But I digress. Back to the adoption. It became apparent to me early on why the other couple may have walked away. Travis’s birth mother shared with me that she had several couples walk away.

She was rough around the edges. And she shared with us that her family struggled with significant mental health issues. Issues that we witnessed first hand. Issues that we did not understand at the time, but have a great deal of experience with now. As we got to know her better it became very clear to me that this baby (Travis) needed us.

So when our adoption agency completed her counseling and advised us to walk away, I said no. I was sure that God had nudged us to adopt Travis. And I, having had no experience with mental illness, was convinced that the support of a loving family would outweigh the genetic piece of mental illness.

Let’s just say that genetics is huge. But I also know that because of us, Travis is in a better place. I thank God for the gift of Travis. He was meant to be a part of our family.

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you.” - Desmond Tutu