My “Spirited” Child

Travis was around three or four when we began to see some behaviors. We knew that by this time he should be past the “terrible twos”.

Travis developed an extreme sensitivity. I had not seen this sensitivity when he was a baby. He had no problems wearing disposable diapers.

We began to notice little things about Travis that we initially attributed to his personality. He was a perfectionist. Everything needed to be completed in his order. Things had to be exactly to his liking. He came off as extremely stubborn. (Oops, determined!)

His clothing became an issue. There were certain materials that he refused to wear, not just because of how they felt, but also because of the swishing sound they made. (Think nylon.) His socks had to be on just right, with the seam over the top of his toes. (Not at the end.) The tongue on his sneakers would make him crazy if it was not placed and tied exactly right. He would not wear a shirt with a collar. We had to get rid of tags.

We had to allow extra time for him to complete his routines. Getting dressed and out the door was a battle.

He insisted on sleeping with several blankets that had to be placed on him in a particular order and facing a certain way. And if we didn’t get it right we had to start the process over, from the beginning. It spelled trouble if one blanket was missing, like if it was in the laundry. His favorite stuffed animals had to be placed along the wall, down the side of his bed.

Initially I did not have a clue what was going on. Keep in mind we did not yet have a diagnosis, and wouldn’t for years.

But then I stumbled upon the book, “How to Raise Your Spirited Child”, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I strongly recommend this book to every parent whether you define your child as spirited or not. It has some great parenting ideas. And it may teach you to handle other’s spirited children in a more positive manner.

I swore at the time that Kurcinka wrote this book especially for me and especially about Travis. She calls the book a “Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent and Energetic”. Later she adds moody.

She wrote the book as the parent of her own “spirited’ child. She didn’t like that her child was labeled as difficult and strong willed. She believes that it is best for ourselves and our children if we see their differences in a more positive light. She wonders how a child can develop a healthy sense of self if people around them describe them using negative words. She believes using the term “spirited” gives us hope. It communicates the exciting potential of these kiddos. It pulls the focus to strengths rather than weaknesses. She believes good labels are contagious. That if we use them, others will to.

So instead of using words like argumentative, aggressive, stubborn, explosive, inflexible, defiant, unpredictable, demanding, picky…

We use more positive words, describe our kids as not picky but selective; not explosive but passionate; not stubborn but determined. You get the picture.

Let me be the first to tell you that this is a process, seeing that some of your child’s behaviors may serve them well as an adult. And even if you try to put a positive spin on their behaviors, you are still going to fall into bed exhausted at night.

Kurcinka is clear that although your child may be “spirited”, they may also have a medical diagnosis beyond that. As parents it is up to us to determine their health and well-being needs.

Being of a positive nature, I thought at the time that this book was the answer to my prayers. Little did I know that this book was the first of many books I would read during my journey of raising a child with special needs!

But it did enlighten me. If it is going to take more time to get out the door, why don’t I plan for more time?

And knowing there was a reason that the shoe had to feel “just right”, made me more patient as I put it on and took it off, put it on and took it off…

I bought clothes that met his specific needs. I stopped wearing my coat that made noise.

I learned the bedtime routine and was especially careful to have all the blankets available.

I learned that Travis’s every sensation and emotion was absorbed by him, including my feelings. I became what I describe as the “Stepford Mom”. I worked hard to maintain my emotions and not show my exasperation. Because it resulted in a better outcome.

I tried to not engage when he was becoming overstimulated and emotional. Because engaging could cause a power struggle and a meltdown. Notice I said tried. Because the bottom line is I am human. Even now with all my practice I do not get it right every time.

But I also started to see the world through his eyes. Spirited kids are perceptive. Many times when they don’t do as you ask it is not because they are being defiant. It is because they were distracted by something that caught their attention on the way to doing what you asked.

Travis was delighted when it rained and the worms came out. He pointed out designs on spider webs. He pointed out the vine design or mixtures of colors on a leave. He chased butterflies. He taught me to “stop and smell the roses”.

“If we understood the power of our thoughts, we would guard them more closely. If we understood the awesome power of our words, we would prefer silence to almost anything negative. In our thoughts and words we create our own weaknesses and our own strengths. Our limitations and our joys begin in our hearts. We can always replace negative with positive.” - Betty Eadie