Our Summer Project — No Stone Left Unturned

Our advocacy for Travis began before he was even born. As I mentioned before, our adoption agency counseled us to walk away on this match. After counseling Travis’s birthmother the agency had concerns with her mental stability.

But I could not walk away. I was even more certain that he needed to be placed with us in a nurturing and stable environment.

The beginning of my “No Stone Left Unturned” mindset began with reading about how to raise my “spirited” child.

Turns out that our boy is more than “spirited”.

When Travis was five I asked our local school district to evaluate him for possible inclusion in the Colorado Preschool Program (CPP). CPP is a state funded early childhood education program administered by the Colorado Department of Education.

Because the program is capped, evaluations are completed to ensure that it serves the children with the highest needs. To be considered a child must be eligible for kindergarten the following year and have at least one other eligibility factor present in their lives.

Poor social skills was one factor on the list, and the main one that we were concerned about at this point in our journey.

A young man from the special education department of our district came to our home to complete the evaluation.

He placed a blank piece of paper and some crayons on the table in front of Travis and asked him to draw a picture of his family.

Travis slid the paper back and asked the man to make him a paper airplane.

The man slid the paper back to Travis and told him that he would make him a paper airplane after Travis completed the picture of his family.

Travis took a second to make a scribble on the paper and slid it back. The man made the airplane.

All along I am thinking welcome to my world.

I am not sure exactly how the rest of the evaluation went. I left them to it.

But in the end the man came to me and asked, “Did you know that your son is a perfectionist”?

I laughed and replied, “Are you kidding me? Try putting the pickle on the wrong side of the bun!”

Travis was accepted into the program. Our hope was that having a structured setting with additional supports would be just what he needed to have a good start in school.

The focus in the program centered around social skills as opposed to academics. At the end of the year his teacher commented that he participated in activities and that he occasionally needed prompts to focus on himself and not others.

We felt confident when Travis started kindergarten. But he struggled and started to show behaviors. His teacher felt like he was making some academic progress but that he continued to have difficulty making good choices when interacting with others and taking responsibility for his behavior.

It seemed as though the more structured the setting the more he struggled.

The summer after kindergarten I decided that enough was enough. I was going to teach this boy that was DETERMINED to have his way some work ethic.

I went to Barnes and Noble and bought some grade appropriate workbooks. I put together several two page packets that included writing, reading and math. I made a reward chart and explained it to Travis. He would receive a star for each packet that he completed. He would earn a reward each time he reached ten stars.

I told him that he could complete as many packets per day as he wanted, but that he needed to finish at least one per day. Each packet would take the average kiddo about five minutes. Think match the picture of the cat to the word cat.

I let him come up with the rewards that he could earn to get his buy in. We were excited for him to start and be successful.

At the beginning of this summer project I believed that Travis was capable of doing the work, but just refusing to do the work because he was stubborn. (I know, I know. That word!) I was certain that he was being defiant. (Ugh. Another negative word. But maybe necessary in getting the point across.)

I would leave him to it and come back a few minutes later. Not a single mark on the page.

So I decided that I would sit with him to help him stay focused. Every single day was agony. Even with me sitting there encouraging him he would simply not do the work. I tried bribing him. (Come on parents, don’t tell me you haven't done the same.)

I told him that as soon as he finished just one packet that we could go swimming. Or roller blading. Or practice riding his bike at the BMX track. He and Corey both participated in BMX racing. All the things that he loved doing.

And still, he wouldn’t do the work.

Corey even coaxed him. She wanted to go swimming too.

I kept after day after day. I thought to myself, today is the day I break him.

But that day never came. After the entire summer he earned one reward. And only because I lowered the bar. Thinking that if he actually earned a toy he would now magically be more motivated to stay focused and earn stars.

This is when I realized that something must be wrong. I just didn’t know what.

“On particularly rough days when I am sure that I cannot possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%. And that’s pretty good.” - Unknown